Just got an ask from a real blog in the style of a bot ask, like they got hacked so yea if you got one of those from me my bad don’t report me please I’m just chilling
So while I was getting my haircut, the lady asked me if I had other plans for the day and I said:
“I’m just going to pick up the boy from daycare and then it’s date night.”
And the lady says “Oh! How old is he?”
“He’s three.”
“Mine too! Where are you registering him for kindergarten it’s such a hassle-”
And that’s when I realized I said “boy” and not “dog” because I always think of Charlie as “good boy” but this slip up has lead to a miscommunication.
The lady is now 6 minutes into a clearly needed rant about how unnecessarily complex shopping for schools is, esp when you have a neurodivergent child, so I can’t just tell her that Charlie is a dog because then she’ll feel awkward for unloading on me and she clearly has enough going on.
So the rest of the haircut became a game of “how much can I say about Charlie without revealing that he is not a human child?” And the answer is “enough to cover a half hour hair appointment, quite possibly several hours worth if I’m specific enough”
“is he very verbal?”
“It really depends on who he’s with. He’s very quiet at he but won’t shut up if he’s at the park or has a friend over.”
“was it hard to potty-train him?”
“he’s adopted, but I was genuinely amazed at how good he already was with hygene and potty stuff.”
“mine’s just obsessed with paw patrol and Frozen, drives me crazy!”
“I imagine. Charlie is colorblind so he’s not as into tv, but he always wants a toy if I take him anywhere with them.”
“oh gosh the toys! And the kids are so rough on them!”
“yeah Charlie can destroy a stuffed animal in about 2 minutes, so I only buy him the really cheap ones.”
“Does he throw tantrums when they break?”
“Not really. It’s meditative, really, taking them apart. He has hysterics if the cat takes his toys though. Runs downstairs and cries at me until I retrieve it because he’s not tall enough to get it out of the cat tree.”
It would be incredibly tasteless for me to do a “Titanic” spam rn, wouldn’t it?
The sub is named the TITAN.
THE CEO IS SUPPOSEDLY ON BOARD.
IT. WAS. BOLTED. SHUT. FROM. THE. OUTSIDE. They could be on the surface and still die from running out of oxygen because they literally can’t get out and the sub is, obviously, air tight.
Man okay when I got my wisdom teeth out it was a fucking experience. Before the surgery wasn’t too interesting but as soon as I woke up I saw the nurse next to me and was all like “hey… i think… i died… and now I’m in a parallel universe… and i gotta go back to my house and kill the me from this universe” and he was just kinda like “alright, you do that”. And then the other nurse kept going in and out of the room to get things and I thought there was like 5 of her that kept coming out of the room, and then so when she was wheeling me out in a wheelchair I was like “damn… why are there so many of you… there’s like 5 many of you” and she was just kinda like “alright, you do that”.
Anyway I got to the car and my dad was there and he was like “how ya feeling son” in the dadliest way possible and I was like “MAN I AM PUMPED LETS GET SOME JUICE I’M STARVED” so we drove about 3 blocks to a jamba juice, whereupon I say “I’m good I can do this” and run/drunkstumble 30 feet to the door. I burst in the door like a viking returning from some fucking battle and holler “WHATS UP FUCKS” to everyone in the store, which was thankfully just the 2 people behind the counter, who looked probably as scared/confused as a jamba juice employee could look.
So anyway, as my dad explained the situation I looked up at the jamba juice menu and was utterly fucking lost in it. Like I swear I was looking at this menu board for a year, deciphering this Rosetta stone of fruits. I distinctly remember that I was looking at each item in a smoothie, thinking of how it tasted, then moving on to the next thing and thinking of how that tasted, and how they would taste together. Since most smoothies had 3 or 4 items, this took some thinking. So my dad sees me in this extreme brain blast state of mind and says “hey are you going to order or what”. Keep in mind I’m on the first fucking smoothie on the list here. So I just say “shush man I’m trying to do fruit science”, and then when I realized that this process could take literal years, I just said “yeah give me a smooth regular” which for the uninitiated, isn’t actually a real thing on any menu. Oh, also I asked them if the “boosted” smoothies would give me super powers and then pointed my fingers at them and made “lightning noises”.
So my dad just orders me the first thing on the menu and I go to sit down and stare out the window or some shit and my thoroughly amused dad just looks at me and says “how ya feelin?”. Now at this time I was feeling a lot of things, but most noticeable to me was the gauze in my mouth, so I just look at him and say “there’s these fuckin… tiny sheep in my head” which at the time was the best way I had to convey this feeling. Anyway about that time, the jamba juice guy brings us our drinks and he gives me a small thing of mario kart stickers and I swear I almost cried from the tsunami of emotion that gift made me feel (I still have them).
Anyway the rest of the story is we drove home and I explained this programming project I was working on to my dad in perfect detail somehow and then I came home and went on facebook and posted a comment on my friends status (because I couldn’t find the status update bar) that read: “i just took a lort of painkillers and yelled at everyone in a jambo juice”
Kind of hard to believe there was once a time where a legitimate genre of post was “my mom says if this gets 2k notes she’ll buy me a doughnut” and everyone would just. go ham
I vote we revive this shit.
Y’all, if this post gets 2k notes I’ll buy my own damned self a doughnut.
Y’know what? Yes.
If this hits 24k by the time I wake up on 21 June 2023, I’ll get myself a dozen. And a big ol’ coffee to go with them.
What will you do for 100K?
50K is fancy grilled cheese and tomato soup.
100K… Either a steak dinner, or a trip to the German place. I would make a poll if I could, but I’m too old and cranky to figure it out. XD
FOR THE GRILLED CHEESE!
TEAM GERMAN PLACE GO GO GO
We’re getting closer!
Whichever day this hits 75k I’ll get myself a cookie to go with my lunch (and will post pics)
Wait that was a side blog??? Lmao it’s all coming together now
Nope, just an enthusiastic fan and cookie enjoyer. :D
Well then I need to make serious plans for myself now
I’M HIJACKING MY OWN POST
IF THIS GETS 100K I WILL TREAT MYSELF TO A FANCY AFTERNOON TEA
*scrolls down to this reblog* Oh. Wait. Fuck those apologies.
also greg is the most bisexual-coded cartoon dad ever
so greg you’re telling me your conservative family doesnt approve of your musical awakening coming from a naked gay icon in gnc/drag makeup and they want to send you to the military but you ran away and changed your name and ended up with a musical aesthetic best described as indie glam rock dad with a non-binary space alien gf instead? das crazy, tell me more about how straight you are
today I learned that if you want to slash someone’s tires, don’t slash all four; only slash three because if you slash all four their insurance will pay for it but if you only slash three they have to pay for it all out of pocket
❤
today on satan makes a blog post
Life tip: if someone slashes 3 of your tires, slash the 4th one yourself and blame it on the person who slashed the first 3. Now, your insurance will pay for it.
Life tip: If you slash 3 of their tires, hide out nearby until they discover their slashed tires. Take pictures of them slashing their fourth tire. Show police when they arrive on scene. Convicted of insurance fraud and still have to pay for tires.
i feel like i’m reading a Spy vs Spy comic in text format
you absolute dumb fucks. Slashing tires is really dangerous and many cars don’t even have tube tires anymore.
Cum in the fuel tank
Idiot, that’s indecent exposure in a public location. This is a one way ticket to the sex offender registry.
What you wanna do is lay down some nails or other small sharp objects at the end of their driveway. somewhere they won’t see but will absolutely drive over. this will cause their tires to slowly deflate. They can’t claim insurance on their own negligence to check for sharp objects in their driveway. It is their driveway after all. They should know not to leave nails there.
you can bring cum in a bottle to the car. If you had more than one brain cell you would plan in advance
If you used the one that’s bouncing around in your skull like a windows Screensaver you’d know that the way you worded it implies that you are doing it on the spot rather than pouring it in. If you expect people to read it as you’ve now described you should’ve said “pour cum in their fuel tank”, which implies the cum was prepared ahead of time.
i want someone to cum in my fuel tank 🥴
I hate this website
i love the people i find on here, i need to put you in jars and examine you
All these people and not one landed on “key their car.”
Ok, pedantic insurance bullshit again (debate me later, I also have to live here and exist and pay for shit), but!
1. Whether your insurance covers your tires is really dependent on a lot of things, so there’s no way for me to say “yes this is true” or “no never” because the answer is “what state are you in and who is your carrier”.
2. If you put regular old sugar in someone’s gas tank you have just entirely fucked their car good and proper with no indecent exposure.
